Past Lives
by Darkhours
Summary: When the hell does "you'll get over it" begin? When you've been beatned so bad that you can't feel? When you're parents dont care enough to notice? When you're so lost you find refuge in jumping off a building? AU Co-written with thecastlefan101
1. Prologue: Her Story

**I hope you enjoy this. This chapter written by castlefan101. She wrote it a long time ago and never found anything to do with it until now.**

**This won't be too long of a story and every chapter won't be poetry. This is just a get to know what happen chapter. **

**Feel free to skip it if it's not your thing. Future chapters will explain :)**

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She's walking down the hallway, trying not to make a sound.

She doesn't want to be noticed if she can never be found.

So many witnesses and yet no one tries to help her.

Instead they all laugh as she's pushed into a locker.

Her books are smashed into the ground as they smack her face.

She tries to scream for help but there's no escaping this place.

They call her names and rip her clothes.

One guy said he hated her and trust by his actions it shows.

They carried her to the bathroom and tossed her in the trash.

One guy peed on her and for dodgeball she was picked last.

To her face they call her ugly and unloved.

She's waiting for a miracle, help from above.

She looks in the mirror and sees the rumors are true.

She is ugly and the bruise on her face has turned blue.

How'd that saying go? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."

The words hurt more than the feeling of being empty.

More than the fact that her parents don't notice

More than the fact that she doesn't know why she was chosen.

More than the fact that she's hurting inside

More than the fact that she's thinking about suicide.

More than the fact that her teachers don't care

More than the fact that whenever she's around all they do is stare.

More than the fact that she's alone in this fight.

More than the fact that they knocked out her internal lights.

The stones hurt her, broken bones heal.

But those awful words will forever taunt her whenever she tries to feel.

She's sees their faces when she cries.

And coming out of the darkness at night.

They've taken away her peace of mind and her sanity.

Now she can't focus on anything she needs clarity.

They follow her home and at night she can hear them laughing.

They stick gum in her hair and one day they used taffy.

As if that's supposed to make up for all the times she's had to cut it.

They call her Chubby Checker because she's a little bit thick.

And whenever they knock her down she always twists.

The girls pull her hair and unsnap her bra.

And as she looks to the left she knows her gym teacher saw.

In the bathroom the guys say they're going to kill her if she doesn't suck them off.

She runs away as fast as she can but she doesn't make it to the hall.

She refuses their request and they kick her into a stall.

They stuff her head into a toilet but she stays strong through it all.

She doesn't give into them she stands her ground.

She only cries when they can't see, when no ones around.

She lies to her parents and says school is great.

She lies again at dinner when she says she already ate.

Maybe if she slims down they'll leave her alone.

"Fat chance," they say then they follow her home.

Weekends are her best friend, her safe place.

The only time she has clarity instead of a crazed maze.

Mondays they spit in her lunch tossed her backpack down the stairs.

How is it that these guys really don't care?

A guy on the track team stole her glasses and ran away.

Then he watched quietly as she stood there all day.

Unable to move because she couldn't see.

She got detention for skipping and the guy got her teased.

They found the glasses on her head and when she said she didn't know they called her mother and then she was punished for coming up with such a stupid joke.

The jocks are protected so of course she can't tell.

They have a YouTube video of her of when she fell.

They beat her up when the video didn't get enough hits.

She mumbled incoherently through the pain and now guess what? "Katie-cat's a witch."

They say no one will ever love her and they're right.

Maybe it's time she gave into this life.

They've taken her pride, her heart, her personality.

Not to mention her laughter, her happiness and now she's a tragedy.

On earth day they poured dirt on top of her head.

When she told the teacher this is no doubt what he said.

"Kids will be kids" and that's the end of it.

No phone call home, no trip to the principals office.

Just a shake of his head and a simple "stop it."

For telling on them she was thrown off the bus.

There's no escaping this torture, it's all too much.

Spit balls in class, ice cubes in the halls.

This time she didn't stand her ground, she couldn't smile through it all.

She cried and she ran, unaware of what's going on.

She ran home to a house where she knew everyone was gone.

She can't take it anymore, she's lost her grip.

She holds the full pill bottle with a tight fist.

She stares into the mirror as she takes the first pill.

Already she feels relief so she takes another.

Large white round pills that belong to her mother.

She took the whole bottle and then laid down.

Comfortable in her bed she's ready to die now.

When she falls asleep she dreams of peace.

But when she wakes up all she hears is sobbing and "beep...beep"

Why did they save her? she doesn't want to be alive.

At school they call her an attention seeker and a snitch who's full of lies.

When will life get better, that she doesn't know.

"One day at a time" but they go by to slow.

She stares at the clock, counting down the minutes until it's time to leave.

Oh God no. Just leave her alone, leave her alone please!

They bang her head against the wall and lift up her shirt.

Spray paint her locker and fill her water bottle full of dirt.

When will this torture end she doesn't have a clue.

Her mother says they can't leave, they have to much to lose.

What about what she wants? What about her needs?

"I hate it at school, don't make me go back mommy please."

Mother says she's taking the jokes to seriously and she should just make friends.

She said that to them one day and guess where it ends?

With her nose bleeding and glasses cracked.

And her back at the hospital with an arm cast.

She absolutely done, she doesn't care anymore.

She tried to kill herself again but with something that's more for sure.

On the top of an apartment building she's standing on the edge.

That's when he appeared and promised to be a friend.

With bright blue eyes and a kind face

She trusted him to take the pain away.

"Friends forever" is what he would always say.

Until he left one night and she hasn't seen him to this day.

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**Review!**


	2. Feel Again: Even if it's Pain

_"Been a long time coming since I've seen your face. I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I had 'til my feet went numb."_

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_Shit_, Castle thinks as soon as he steps outside. The weather has been acting terribly weird this month, but maybe that's because it's in transition. It's the middle of September and it gets freezing, like deathly cold at night but then hot as hell during the day. It drives him nuts and makes it confusing when he decides what to wear when he goes out. He's dressed in a long black coat with a warm pink scarf hanging from his neck. What's warm pink? He doesn't know. His mother bought it for him after he told her that he was moving across the world. He's got on simple dark blue denim jeans with a blue plaid button down shirt.

When Castle told his mother that he was moving to England he was fresh off his first best seller. He figured why not go somewhere far away to try to rid himself of the harsh memories that New York harbored. Yes. He was born and raised in the great city but he couldn't stay. He moved to England from New York and whenever he has to come back for a tour he stays in L.A. Here is where he met his friends and since then it's always been his rest stop. He's got a signing tomorrow in San Francisco at Harris's Books then from there he'll go to Vegas come back here for a week until traveling down to Florida. New York is always last on the list.

He's out with a group of his friends tonight celebrating Monty's, thirtieth birthday. He's the youngest of the group and the rest of them have been teasing him all night. As they all make their way from the restaurant laughing and talking and just having a good time Castle hangs back to fix his coat and scarf. He wraps his pink scarf around his neck twice then puts his ungloved hands in his coat pockets.

The bar they're going to now is a couple of blocks away from the restaurant they were dining at and none of them have cars. They all took cabs here and who drives in L.A anyways? Oh right. Normal people. But it's never this cold in L.A. he thinks something might be wrong or the government is planning something that'll end in a travesty. Otherwise why the hell is it so cold?

He's been meaning to get a car. And by meaning he means procrastinating and by procrastinating he means in the five years he's been famous he never once thought about getting a car. Or a house for that matter. He either crashes at his publishers house or one of his friends. For the past two months he's been staying with Jordan and his friends don't seem to mind at all. He pays half his rent and he stays to himself for the most part. But he should start looking for a place but first he has to get a car to go see those places.

Get a permanent place in Los Angeles? He only ever comes when one of his friends is celebrating something or he has a book tour in the States. Otherwise his actual home will remain far far away in Surrey, England. But getting a place in L.A doesn't sound that dreadful, it's just a feeling he has that's telling him not to invest in anything. He'll definitely consider it because moving back to the states does have it's pro's. And his publisher can get out his ass about it.

If he does get a place here he would have to get a car but he couldn't have that car in England. It'd be too confusing to drive a car on the left side while driving in the right lane. He'd be dead before he'd hit the street. If he gets a car here he'd have to get one in England too. Two cars? It's not like he doesn't have the means for two cars, money is definitely not an issue. He just doesn't feel like he needs two cars. Maybe he's being overly modest. He needs to stop spending money on cabs and car services. Maybe he should talk to someone about it. None of his friends they'd be biased and would want him to buy the most expensive car in the world. He won't lie. He's cheap. That's why he crashes at other peoples houses.

Why didn't he wear a second coat? Oh right. Cause normal people don't do that in California. Why the fuck is it so cold? They must be by a large body of water if it's this cold right now. Like seriously he can see his breath! It's only September. The government must be behind the bipolar weather. It's a conspiracy.

Getting caught up in his own thoughts Castle didn't notice his friends crossing the street to walk into their favorite bar. On this side of town you barely have any cars driving around this time of night. It's more like a walking street. All the stores and restaurants are all privately owned and he swears that they all must be related because they all look the same from the outside. They have lights, calming dim lights hanging from their windows giving the street a magical glow. It's beautiful but in the summer he probably would enjoy it more. He likes it because it reminds him of the small town of Surrey right off of London. Who knew? California having an England touch!

As he hurried to catch up with his friends he noticed them talking to a group of women just coming out of the bar they were entering. Of course Andrew would be trying to fix Monty with one of them. That's him, always trying to be a match maker. Eventually they all went inside but Castle wasn't paying any attention to the women. He was last to walk into the bar but right before he did he glanced to his right where the women were walking off to. The second he saw one his mouth spoke out before he had time to think anything through.

"Kate?" He's been seeing her ghost for the past- he doesn't know how many years. Okay maybe not her "ghost" but she's been haunting him since the day he left her. He must be seeing things. He had himself convinced of that for a full second until she froze and turned to face him.

His heart leapt in his chest and he felt his palms sweating disregarding the fact that it's freezing, from the sight of her. It's been so long. And he knows usually when people say that it's only been about five years or so. But no. It's been so long since he's seen her. The last time he seen her she had braces and short stringy hair. She also dressed like a complete nerd and he loved that about her. But the woman in front of him isn't that. She's different. She's grown up. And the serenity of the lights hanging around them don't do anything but set her face aglow and make her look way different from the girl he use to know. Way different.

"Richard?" she says in the same shocked voice he'd used. And for the life of him he can't speak. His throat went dry a moment ago when her name fell from his lips. It was the first time he'd said it since he moved from New York. Not by choice it just happened that way. He's never told anyone about her but not a day goes by that he doesn't think about her. He wishes he could talk about her but that would mean divulging into the incident that happened between them. And he just simply can't go there, so he suffers in silence. He tries not to think about it.

He still hasn't spoken and he knows he must look like an idiot with a white washed expression on his face and a hanging jaw. Apparently the abruptness of their meet is gathering the attention of his friends and hers. He sees one of the women she's with whisper something in her ear and she nods yes.

"What's goin' on man?" He hears Jordan ask him but he's still too stunned to say anything.  
Slowly she takes a tentative step foreword never wavering her eyes from his. He can see she's just as nervous as he is so he meets her half way. He finds the strength within himself to step forward. Before he realizes his steps are smooth as they walk toward each other and he stops until they're only a few inches apart. As a writer he's imagined this scene countless times. He's thought of how she would react. His top choices were either slap him across the face or knee him in his groin. Neither sounded very pleasant but he knows they would be well deserved. But right now as he stares into her eyes he sees no anger, just disbelief and hesitation.  
What is she thinking?

The air between them is thick, filled with tension and he doesn't know how to handle it. Why is he getting hot now? She's wearing a long black coat like his and purple scarf is wrapped around her neck. She has her hair tucked inside of a white beanie but he can see stray strains from the side of her face.

He didn't dare speak. She's completely in control right now. Her head tilts slightly to the side as she studies him. He can tell she still doesn't believe it's him even though there are other people around who can clearly see him. He watches her as she takes her left hand to un-glove her right. With her right hand she gently touches the bottom of his cheek. Her fingers are warm against his cold skin.

"Hi," she whispers hoarsely. Then by the hand of God he sees the corners of her mouth curl up into a shy smile.

He's too shocked to say anything back or even acknowledge that she's spoken. There are so many things he wishes he could say, so many actions he wishes he could take. Memories come flooding back to him, memories he's tried so hard to forget and some he wants to cherish for the rest of his life. But he won't dwell on them, not right now, not with her standing right in front of him.

So many words are bubbling up to the surface and he wants to say them all but he knows saying something like "I love you" probably won't be very appropriate. So he settles on something he should've said years ago. Something she deserves and has most likely been wanting to hear from him.

He swallows, trying to moisten his mouth back up before speaking. He leans into her a little more and with a shaky voice his whispers the words he's been dying to tell her.

"I'm sorry." And she smiles brighter. Her whole hand rests on his face now and she's still smiling at him as if he's done nothing wrong.

She puts her head down for a second like she's shy and when she meets his eye again her face is apologetic. But more so towards herself than to him.

"It's too late to apologize," she says softly. Then she rubbed his face one last time before walking off with her friends leaving him standing there staring after her.

"What the heck was all that about?" Anthony asked after a minute.

"Don't worry about it," he manages to say. "Come on. We have someone to toast to."

The boys go in and toast to Monty and hope that he finds someone special to celebrate with. But Castle just can't seem to focus on the party. He's lost in his mind. He's lost in Kate.

"It's too late to apologize." If it didn't hurt so much he'd laugh at how she quoted one of her favorite songs. She's so different from the girl he knew, from the girl he was best friends with. But of course sixteen years would do that to a person. He isn't the same person he was sixteen years ago either but he doubt he has the drastic changes that Kate has.

Sixteen years. Sixteen years and wow. She's beautiful. Not the geeky girl who was cute but now a grown woman that clearly doesn't need him anymore. He can drink to his sadness. To his pathetic-ness, his hopelessness. Yeah he can drink to all those things and when he wakes up in the morning he won't he even remember seeing her.

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**Please review! And if you could drop a message in thecastlefan101 inbox that would be great. I know she's feeling a little down from the responses from her new story. She is partially responsible for this chapter.**


	3. I'll Always Care

_"Oooh I don't love you but I always will. I don't love you but I always will. I don't love you but I always will. I don't love you but I always…will. I always will, oh I always will oh I always will…."_

If it wasn't for the fact that Ella just passed her bar exam Kate would not be out right now. She'd rather be at home curled up in bed next to the fireplace. It's cold on this side of L.A and she doesn't like being out this late anyway. What swayed her fully was the fact that they were celebrating at Pete's Place. She barely ever gets to come anymore now that she and Tom have a permanent home in Santa Ana and since she's made partner at Beckett, Beckett and Taylor's.

Kate's parents have their own practice together and a few years ago decided to add another member to the team. Lawrence Taylor. He was batting for the other teams but her mother convinced him (with hefty paycheck) to come over to defense. Since she was old enough to understand Kate has always wanted to practice law. She had many supporters, with the exception of her father who argued that it was too dangerous for his little girl, but she didn't care. It's in her blood so she couldn't have just put her passion aside.

Her mother helped her through school and wiped away any doubts she had during her college years. They were hard for Kate because she was alone. In school she was never any good at making friends. She had one growing up but that fell through the cracks when she turned sixteen and since then it's just been her. Her mother was her best friend through it all and for that she'll be forever grateful. It's part of the reason why she's dedicated the first years of her career working for her mother. But she didn't want any special treatment. She wanted to go through the whole process of becoming partner instead of being promoted just because she's the boss' daughter.

She met Tom Demming, her husband, while working a case where two civilians were shot and killed during a robbery. Tom had been one of the prosecutions witnesses that she cross-examined. Apparently they had a spark of attraction the whole court could see. She was embarrassed but they didn't act on those feelings until well after the case. She can remember her mothers words now.

"Go ahead Katie. No one's going to judge you."

Yeah right. They were talking about them for months until her next big case. She won both of them, not that that's relevant. But her and Tom hit it off immediately when she finally agreed to go out with him. He wooed her and eventually after a year and a half he asked the big question. She said yes, of course. Her mother was ecstatic. Kate knows she was just happy because she thought she was over whatshisface. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. She doesn't like to think about it.

Ella is passing her a large martini glass with the obnoxious looking umbrella in it. Aren't these for the warmer months? It's only mid September but still? She slowly sips the glass because she doesn't like to drink. Okay that's the biggest lie she's told herself this year. She loves to drink but a few months ago her and Tom were trying to get pregnant. Hasn't happened but she still doesn't want to risk any alcohol just in case something "pops" up.

Lanie, her absolute best friend in the whole entire world, eyes her drink and shakes her head. Then tells the bartender to give her a glass of scotch. Lanie knows her well. Kate is definitely not a martini girl.

She taps her glass with a spoon she stole from the behind the counter when the bartender wasn't looking and raised her glass. "To Ella," Kate said. "May justice help her find a job."

"Funny," Ella says.

"But seriously. Congratulations. I didn't pass the first time I took it. My mom went crazy."

"I remember that." Lanie pitches in. Lanie is the odd one of the group. She's the only one who isn't a lawyer. She went to Stanford with Kate but with medicine as her major. Since they both are very demanding they always helped each other out whenever they could.

"I wish I could've seen the look on her face."

"No you don't. It was like I broke her heart. If it weren't for her connections I wouldn't have took it again as soon as I did."

"Well lets toast to second chances," Ella says. "I'm happy we both got them.

They continue drinking and talking for what seems like hours but of course Kate wants to go home to the comfort of her bed and a good book. Of course her friends complain but someone's got to be the voice of reason in this group. Lanie could drink herself into oblivion, Ella is very easily persuaded to do things while drunk and Elizabeth…just gets plain scary. It's up to Kate to tell them when to stop. Speaking of Elizabeth, she's being awfully quiet for a girl that could literally talk your ear off.

"Lizzie? You're being terribly quiet. Is something wrong?" Kate asks hoping for an actual answer because whenever something's wrong she has a bad habit of saying "nothing." But doesn't everyone?

She immediately bursts into tears. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she says trying to calm herself but it only makes things worse.

"What's wrong?" Lanie asks, shifting in her chair to reach out to Lizzie.

"Stephen and I broke up." They all gasp. Those two have been joined at the hip since birth. Their parents met at the hospital after giving birth and since then they've been best friends. Lizzie and Stephen grew up together so they were like brother and sister until high school where things got …complicated. "I told him I never wanted to see him again." She covers her face with her hands and sobs loudly into them.

"What happened?" Kate asks, still completely appalled by the news.

"I caught him. In our apartment."

"That's disgusting," Ella comments.

"Sad part is," Lizzie continues. "I caught him before they really got to do anything. He denied he was going to let it go anywhere."

"That cheating sack of shit!" Lanie yells. Yes, she always says what's on her mind and what she feels. It's part of the reason why Kate loves her so much but at the same time wants to ring her neck.

"That's what I said," she laughs but then she starts crying again. "I'm sorry guys. I didn't want to dump this on you while we were celebrating."

"It's fine. You know we're always here for you," Ella says.

"When'd this happen?" Kate asks.

"I don't know. Five, six hours ago." They're all so shocked no knows what to say. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm gonna head home. Burn my bed and sleep on the couch. Congrats Ella. I'm proud you did it without cheating this time."

"Ha-ha-ha."

"If you go we're all going," Kate says standing and grabbing her coat, scarf, and hat. It's like negative one hundred degrees outside for some odd reason. This was most likely a subconscious reason for why she left New York. It's not supposed to get this cold in L.A. Something's going on.

They're all walking down the street into a nearby neighborhood because there's no way they're catching a cab on this deserted street. Lanie is walking next to her and muttering things like "I know how to kill Stephen and make it look like natural causes," to Lizzie but she isn't biting. Kate wishes she knew how to help her, but she can't even deal with her own problems correctly. Before she has time to dwell on that any farther she hears someone call her name.

Her heart freezes mid beat. Her breath stops. As if her lungs decided to give out. She knows that voice. She could never forget it. It's carved in her brain until the end of time. Oh shit, she knows that voice. And it belongs to someone she thought she'd never seen again. It's why she left New York! What the hell is happening? She feels like her world is crashing down around her but somehow someway she finds the strength to turn around.

"Richard?" She asks but her voice is scratchy. And when he doesn't say anything Lanie leans in close to her ear and asks "That's the one who left you that night?" And she feels herself nod yes, half listening to Lanie. Then one of the guys he's with says something to him but she's too far away to hear.

Kate takes a very slow and hesitant step forward. He still hasn't said anything, instead his mouth is hanging open and he's openly staring at her. Like, the uncomfortable or inappropriate (not in a sexual way) kind of staring. It's freaking her out but maybe that's just the shock of seeing him acting up on her.

It's Richard freaking Rodgers! Like, is this really happening? The last time she seen him is when he left her in that room that awful awful night. Right before he disappeared out the doorway he turned and caught her eye one last time before leaving. He left her. To her own doom. A destruction he could've stopped had he just stayed. But she won't get into that. That's in her past and she'd rather not relive it.

She finds it in herself to keep going, keep walking towards him but she's careful of his expressions. He might not want to see her, he might not want anything to do with her so she takes slow tentative steps toward him. But he still doesn't speak. Maybe because he doesn't know what to say. The last time they've seen each other was when he left. She understands him not knowing what to say given those circumstances. He still doesn't speak even when she's standing directly in front of him know.

"Hi," she says but even to her ears it sounds forced. It's not what she imagined she would first say to him if they ever met again but hey it's better than being a mute. She smiles at him. And it's a real smile. Not just some fake thing she's forced to the surface of her face. She's so disappointed right now. She always pictured this moment to be more magical. He'd be saying sorry and telling her how stupid he was for leaving that night and telling her how he's been looking for her all these years. But instead there's just this. Nah, she didn't miss him. She's better off without him.

"I'm sorry," he finally says. And she smiles even brighter. That's a start but no "I'm sorry" will never be enough.

"It's too late to apologize." Kate rubs his face with the palm of her hand then walks away. No, she has no unfinished business here. She's done.

Kate walks away with her friends and doesn't even look back. He's in her past and in her past he will stay.

That's what she tells herself as she's walking away.

That's what she tells herself in the cab ride home.

That's what she tells herself when she says goodbye to her friends.

That what she tells herself in the shower.

That's what she tells herself when she slides into bed.

She's not done with him. God, it's been sixteen years. She misses him. She's not done. Far from it.  
This is what she tells herself when she puts her clothes back on and heads back out to Pete's place.

She walks there and she can see him through the glass. He's passed out on the floor and the so called "friends" he's with aren't doing anything about it. Kate runs in to check his pulse and when she feels it beating fast she uses all her strength to pick him up. She carries him outside where she calls a cab and when it arrives she puts Castle in the car and gives the cabbie her address.


	4. Something Beautiful

I just wanted to address the guest that reviewed on the last chapter. Yes, Castle is the bad guy not because he left but because of the circumstances in which he left. And of course Kate forgave her mother. Its HER MOTHER and its been over a decade. I'll get into Jim later but just know not including the prologue its only the third chapter. There's still so much that needs to be revealed before you can go make judgments.

I don't want this to be a hate beckett story or a hate castle story. I just want you guys to enjoy it.

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_**A Little Over Sixteen Years Ago**_

She started on the opposite side of the roof before running as fast as she could so she could just fly off the building. But what she never expected was to be tackled by something right before she was reaching the edge. A bear? Was it a bear?

No. A boy.

Kate quickly jumped up from under him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He yelled at the girl. He came up here to get away from his mothers 'entertainment' of her guest and to get some air. Never once would he have thought he would walk in on someone trying to kill themselves. A girl trying to kill herself. A cute girl trying to kill herself. Oh, a _really_ cute girl trying to kill herself.

"Leave me alone," she demanded. Defiance dripping from her voice, but he also detected a bit of dread.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?" She turned and looked at the boy for the first time and even from this distance she could see his bright blue ocean eyes. They were mesmerizing. Along with his shaggy brown hair and dark jeans. Damn. He's really cute.

"Just go away."

"No no. I can't let you do this."

"You aren't 'letting me' do anything. I'm doing this regardless of whether you want me to."

"I bet you a dollar that if I say please don't jump you won't."

"How will I get my dollar if I do jump?" She asked, incredulous.

Who does he think he is?

"Oh shoot. You're right. Can you wait twenty minutes to die while I think of something better?"

"Look I don't have time for this."

"Are you sure about that?" Doesn't she have all the time she needs? Given you know, the circumstances?

"OH MY GOD! Can you please just go away?" All she wanted was to escape. Be free of the horrors of her life and now she can't even die because of some boy? What the hell is this?

"Why do you wanna do this? You seem like such a nice girl? Minus the fact that you're mean." Okay, maybe not the best way to calm down someone who's suicidal but hey humor's always been his thing.

"You know you just contradicted yourself right?"

"You're a contradiction." He doesn't know what he's saying, he just knows he doesn't want her to do this. He has this strange urge to get to know this girl so he can protect her.

"What?" She said, traces of slight smile at his idiocy.

"What? Come on a pretty girl like you that obviously comes from money," he said gesturing to her clothes. "That wants to kill herself but doesn't cry while she's doing it and is mean to strangers. Contradiction."

"Stay in school," were the only words she could muster.

"Take your own advice." She tensed at his words and saw a flash of pain cross her face. "That's it isn't it? Something going on at school?"

He wants to protect her. He wants to wrap her up in his arms and hold her tight. Let her know that death isn't the answer.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"You're a girl. Of course you do."

"_Don't_ stereotype me."

"Okay okay I'm sorry. Jeez."

"Just get out of here okay?"

"At least tell me your parents names so I can tell them they lost their child."

"They probably wouldn't care," she whispered to herself.

"I doubt that. What's your name?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Okay Don't worry about it, my name is Richard. Everyone calls me Ricky."

Despite herself Kate laughed. "Go away Ricky. You don't wanna see this."

A few moments passed when neither of them spoke. A tension between them that was undefinable. They just stared at each other until the other one broke.

"I love you," Castle said.

"Excuse me?"

"From one teenage human being to another I love you and I don't wanna see you do this to yourself. So," he said walking over to stand on the edge with her. "If you jump I jump." He took her hand in his to validate his stance.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"I don't joke around when it comes to this."

Kate sighed in apprehension and Rick took it as defeat. There's something trustworthy about him and that seems to be the thing she's clinging to.

"Look," he whispered reaching into his pocket. "I've got seventy dollars on me right now. Let's go get some doughnuts and whipped cream. Then we can talk okay?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I care. And I like to be friends with pretty girls."

"You wanna be my friend?" Her beautiful hazel eyes shining bright.

"You don't have any friends?" Kate shook her head. Castle sucked in a breath dramatically then kneeled on one knee while taking her hand in his again.

"Dontworryaboutit, will you do me the honor of being my bestest bestest friend in the whole wide world forever?"

Kate laughed harder then than she had all year but said yes to him nonetheless. She doesn't know why exactly but she likes him.

"Oh we're gonna have so much fun together."

He dragged her away from the edge of the building and towards the roof access door.

"And my name is Kate by the way."

"Kate, something tells me this is the beginning of something beautiful."

* * *

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	5. Hide it Away

**Now I think most of us agree that Demming sucks and AM should've taken Castle's route and scratched him out of the script. And guess what? You'll hate him even more next chapter.**

**To my guest reviewers: I love all you guys! Can I encourage you to make an account? I wish I could reply to you all. **

* * *

_"Last night I heard my own heart beating, soundin' like footsteps on my stairs. Six months gone and I'm still reaching, even though I know you're not there. I was playing back a thousand memories baby thinkin' 'bout everything we've been through. Maybe I've been going back too much lately and time stood still and I had you."_

* * *

He woke from his dreaming drenched in tears and still sobbing. His heart was pounding in his chest while his ears chimed loudly in his head. He'd forgotten how much pain he went through when he left her the first time. And now look. He's going through it again. The nightmares, the shakes, the terror. He's been in hell for the past sixteen years and as soon as he thinks he's finally getting over it BAM! They meet again only to break his heart back into the million tiny fragments it was before.

His eyes are still wet with tears, his body wet with sweat and yet he doesn't care about those. He only cares about her. If he's in this much misery he can only imagine the agony she must be experiencing. She must've replayed that night over and over and over again, reliving every tormented moment. And he only has himself to blame. It's his fault and if only he could tell her that it hurts him too.

Although she might just slap him across the face and tell him he has no idea the hell she's been through. And he would deserve it. They both lost more than themselves that night, they lost each other and had to find a way to live without one another. He can't even fathom how she made it this far. Not after everything she's been through.

When Castle finally calms down a bit he throws the covers off and heads into the bathroom. He splashes cold water on his face to calm the rest of his nerves and hopefully reduce his headache. He must've drank himself to the brink of death last night. Even that wouldn't be a good enough punishment. He grabs a towel to wipe his face then looks in the mirror. That's when he finally takes in his surroundings.

Where the hell is he?

He doesn't recognize this place. Could the cab driver have brought him home? This is to expensive a place to be a cabbie's home. Where is he? Who brought him here? Should he be scared? What if some random person brought him in off the street and stole all his money? He did have a generous amount of cash on him last night. Where are the clothes he had on last night?

What the hell is going on?

Castle went back into the bedroom and found his belongings on a table across the room. His pants were folded up and his coat and wallet were next to each other. He checked his wallet and found nothing missing. Now he's really confused. Castle tumbled around for a minute trying to quickly put his pants on but ended up falling anyway.

He ran his fingers threw his hair, took a deep breath, then walked out of the bedroom. Instantly he was hit with the smell of coffee and pancakes. His favorite breakfast meal. hmm?

He followed the scents until they led him into the kitchen where he could see a woman standing over the stove fixing the pancakes. If this didn't feel so surreal he might've actually enjoyed this. He can't believe what he's seeing right now. It's Kate. Kate Beckett. She's cooking breakfast in this huge house he still has no clue where it is. What's going on?

"Are you gonna stand there all day or are you gonna sit down?"

"Wh- um, hi?" She grabbed the pan by the handle and turned to face him.

"Good morning. There's some aspirin right there for that headache of yours." She smiled.

"What happened?" He's trying to keep the pure shock of being here with her out of his voice.

"You passed out at the bar. I put you in a cab and brought you here since I don't know where you live."

"You could've just looked on my drivers license." No she couldn't have. It lists his house in England. His American one isn't in that wallet, he grabbed the wrong one when he left with the boys last night.

Sliding the pancakes on two separate plates, she smiled slyly. "Didn't think about it. This way was easier. How do you feel?"

Like heaven just opened its gates for him.

She's actually speaking to him and taking care of him after what he did to her. After sixteen years of silence. If it wasn't for their run in last night he still wouldn't have said anything.

"My head is pounding but I'll live. Hopefully. How are you?" Such a loaded question that he was hesitant to ask.

"Rick," she said laying a plate with pancakes and a cup of coffee in front of him. "Lets not act like what happened never happened."

Uh-oh.

"Okay. I want you to know that I am so sorry-"

"It's fine. I want us to move past it. It happened I'm over it. It's been over a decade for goodness sakes," she chuckled.

Is this really happening? Or is he still dreaming?

"Are you sure? I'm mean your not mad at me? I mean I really wanna make it up to you. Anyway I can."

She leaned a little and whispered, "don't worry about it."

This is a sick joke.

"Kate."

"So tell me _Richard_ what have you been up to all these years?"

They were just going to drop it? After everything he put her through? It seems so unfair to her even though she's the one who wants it this way.

If he still knows anything about Kate Beckett though is that she's a master at hiding her emotions which is kind of ironic. But he thinks she's lying. She's still just as affected by what happened as he is. God , he was such as idiotic child then! He wants to bash his head against the wall for how stupid he was.

"Oh you know. A little of this and that. What I wanna know is what you've been up to. This house is spectacular." It is and it's huge and he's only seen his bedroom and the kitchen. There are windows, floor to ceiling, that overlook her back yard and it's beautiful. He wonders if she does her own gardening.

"Oh uh, Thankyou," she said shying away slightly. She's still the modest girl he knew. One that didn't know exactly how to handle any type of compliment. "I wanted something smaller but other forces convinced us to buy this place. And by other forces I mean my mother."

He didn't miss the "us" she referred to.

"Ha. She still crazy?"

She raised an eyebrow towards him in warning. And it's scaring him. "Watch your mouth. And no she isn't crazy. She can just be a hand full at times. What about your mother? Is she still as dramatic and outgoing as I remember?"

"I meant crazy in a good way and I could tell you no. But I really don't know. I haven't seen her in a while," he mumbled. He's only spoken to her over the phone and whenever he's in New York he tells her he's some place else. Why? Because his mother can be very judgmental. Especially when it comes to Kate because his mother knows he isn't over what happened. "We skype though."

"Why did something happen?"

"No. I just haven't been home. Speaking of which why are you in L.A? It's so unlike you."

"Because you know me so well," she said sarcastically. But then quickly realized what she said and looked at him in panic. He held her gaze, unwilling to break away from the comfort this hold has on him. It feels like they never parted ways but at the same time he can feel the time between them. It's a huge gap that's keeping them apart.

"I use to. If you remember."

"Yeah I do. But I've changed."

He wants to change the subject. It's going to get awkward if they continue on this line of conversation.

"So what does Kate Beckett do? Something extravagant to have a house like this."

"I work with my parents at Beckett, Beckett and Taylor's," she said solemnly. When they were younger her parents always wanted her to become a lawyer and she felt pressured to be perfect. She use to complain about how she loathed the thought of becoming a lawyer. The fact that she did anyway says a lot about what happened between her and her parents during these sixteen years.

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I like it." She shrugged. "It's in my blood."

"You don't have to justify your choice. Not to me."

"I just-"

"Something smells great! Good morning babe," a man said walking in and kissing Kate on her cheek. He put his arm around her waist then turned to face him. "Hey, I'm Tom. Kate's husband."

Castle reached out to shake his offered hand but had a feeling he didn't really want to. He could tell Kate didn't want it to happen either because when he walked in she grimaced.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Rick."

"Yeah Katie told me that you're going to be staying with us for a while."

He raised an eyebrow in question and turned to Kate who gave him a capitulate expression.

"Yeah yeah. If that's okay with you?"

"Yeah of course. Kate's friends are welcome any time."

He's super confused right now and his head is already killing him. He needs to lie down.

"Um can I use the restroom?"

"Yeah there's one in the room you were in," she said timidly.

"Thanks."

* * *

What just happened?

So much.

More than he can fathom at once. It's overwhelming and he felt suffocated.

So Kate Beckett, the woman he's in love with, who he hurt wants to start over but also doesn't want to talk about what happened. And she's married to another man.

It's going to take him awhile to process this. But of course with him being a guy and in love the fact that she married someone else is the one that's burning his skull and blurring his vision. He's always thought they would end up together. No matter what and he's waited for her this entire time. Not counting the occasion hook up here and there (hey it's been sixteen years) but he's never given his heart up. Not once to another women.

He needs to get out of here. He has a book reading soon and his publisher must be wondering where he is.

Castle grabs his coat and wallet and walks back out to the kitchen to find Kate leaning on the counter with her head in her hands.

"Hey are you crying?" Oh no oh no oh no. I'm so sorry. You can never know what deeply sorry I am. I wish I could take it back. I wanna take it back!

"No," she lies and turns away from him. "I packed your breakfast and put your coffee into a to-go cup. I figured you'd wanna leave."

"Yeah I have somewhere to be." He walks over, takes his breakfast, and pauses considering hugging her but he drops his hands. He can't. He just can't. "Thank you."

"Are you gonna come back?" She asked shyly, as if she's unsure he'll want to see her again.

"If you want me to."

She turned to face him then. Her eyes puffy and red and it's as if his heart exploded in his chest from being so in love with her and for providing her with so much pain.

"Come back tomorrow. We can have brunch?"

"Yes okay. I will."

"Great. See you then."

He doesn't know what's going to happened between them now. But getting a house in L.A seems a lot more appealing now. Even if it's just temporary because he can't just uproot his daughter from everything she knows.

* * *

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	6. Hope and Despair on the platter of Life

_Fear leads to anger, anger to hate, and hate to suffering._

* * *

_How do you you let go of someone so thoroughly woven through your soul?_

* * *

When Castle left the kitchen to go to the bathroom Kate immediately swung around and slapped Tom across the face.

"I told you to never touch me again!" She yelled, face red, and eyes piercing through Tom.

"We had a guest Katie. Seriously don't be such a bitch."

"No honey the bitch is the skank you paid to sleep with you."

"For the last time," Tom shouted. "She wasn't a prostitute!"

"She might as well've been. At least that way she wouldn't be calling my damn house two o'clock in the morning lookin' for you."

"Oh screw you Kate."

"I would but you probably contracted something from her and that's why she's calling so much."

Tom's eyes went big and then he stormed out of the kitchen.

Kate leaned against the sink and silently cried. She's never said such mean things to him before nor has he her. What's happening to them? They use to be so loving and kind to each other that seeing them now makes you wonder why they got married in the first place. And she knows she was wrong to hit him, but it seems like he's taken all of the class out of her. She's no longer herself and it drives her crazy because she feels so lost.

And there's nothing she can do about it.

If only she hadn't...but what good does that do? Placing blame? Finding fault? They really just need to sit down and talk it out and if not Kate doesn't know how they'll move on from this.

* * *

She tried to clean up her face before Rick came back into the kitchen but she's sure her eyes are puffy and red.

"Come back tomorrow," she told him. "We can have brunch?"

She walked him out of the house and hugged him before he left. He seemed startled but hugged her back anyway. It felt good, being in his arms. Like she was young and troubled again.

She can get through this. It's only her best friend...and love of her life.

* * *

"Hey dad how're you feeling?"

"Oh you know everyday above ground is a good day," he sighed, sitting up in his recliner chair. He refused to stay in the hospital against her and her mothers better judgement.

"That's a good attitude to have. Really positive." It was always hard coming to visit her dad. She doesn't know whether it's the fact that he can't do everyday tasks anymore or that sometimes he thinks she's fourteen again. But either way they both pain her greatly.

"Do you know what today is dad?"

"Saturday."

"That's right!"

"I'm not that much of a lost cause Katie."

"You're not a lost cause at all! I was only asking because _I'd_ forgotten." Jim laughed heartily.

"Yeah right. What're you doing here anyway? Don't you have things to do?"

"Nope. I'm all yours today. And moms stopping by later, after lunch."

"Oh that's great," he exclaimed, smiling. But quickly it diminished. "Katie, what year is it again? I keep forgetting."

"What year do you think it is?"

"Just tell me!" He yelled. His anger comes faster and faster now so it's always unexpected but Kate tries to mask her surprise. One second he can be calm, funny then the next mean, rude, and even scary.

"Dad remember what the doctor said. Getting angry will only make it worse."

"I know I'm sorry I lashed out at you. Especially with everything that's going on."

"Dad I'm not in high school anymore. It's 2005."

"Is it?"

"Dad?"

"Katie what's going on? Why do I feel so lost? What's going on? Where am I?"

"Dad! Daddy calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down!"

"DAD!"

"Get out! Get out right now." And she did. Kate grabbed her purse and keys and walked down to the convenience store three blocks away to get some of her fathers favorite snacks. It'll give him some time to calm down and hopefully become himself again. The doctors say with his brain damage from his accident the Alzheimer's acts differently from normal patients. Whatever "normal" means.

Four years ago Jim was in a car accident when he heard someone in the family was just shot in Queens. He damaged his frontal lobe, with just a nic on his hippocampus from the weight of his car crushing his head. He has a harder time controlling his emotions which is why seventy-five percent of the time he's angry.

When she came back she was careful about approaching him. She knocked gently on the front door and spoke quietly.

"Dad? Hey I'm back."

"Hey sweetie! How're you doing?"

"I'm great how're you?" He shrugged. "I'm fine. I think. Kinda thirsty."

"That's great 'cause I got you some cranberry juice."

"Oh thank you. How's Tom?"

"Oh you know busy locking away bad guys."

"He's so good for you."

"Yeah," Kate said trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. "So is today a good day?"

"Yes. Everyday is a good day."

"You wanna sit outside until mom gets here? It's warm today."

"Sure."

Kate helped her dad walk to the front porch before sitting him in the swing chair. "Got you an icy," she said. "The red, white, and blue kind." "As if any other kind can live up to this one," he scoffed.

Kate laughed and leaned back. She would enjoy this day because she knows her dads days are numbered. Nobody will ruin this. Not Tom, Rick, or Stephen. Funny how they're all males.

"I'm sorry Katie."

* * *

When Kate got home at ten (instructions of her mother) she had several messages on her answering machine.

The only one she paid any mind to was Lizzie's, asking if she could stay at her place for a few days because it hurt to much to stay in her apartment. Stephen won't leave.

Kate called her back immediately saying that she needed to come over right now.

"Thank you so much Kate. I so owe you."

"No you don't. Just get your butt here so we can eat ice cream and watch the Notebook."

"Great open the door."

"You're here?"

"Yeah."

"Hold on." When she opened her front door Lizzie was standing there with three suitcases. "How long have you been here?"

"About twenty minutes. Tom's not home otherwise I would've knocked."

"You saw me come in?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just say something?"

"I didn't want to startle you. You're easily startled."

"Oh my goodness come in come in." Lizzie shuffled into Kate's house, dropping her bags by the front door, and depositing her coat on the back of a chair on her way to the living room. "Make yourself at home why don't you."

"Thanks," she said sarcastically. "Alrighty where's the ice cream and romance movies?" "Sit down. I'll get them."

Kate takes her time in the kitchen when she gets the ice cream. Tom keeps the ice cream in the deep freezer and so it's always difficult to scoop out when it's completely frozen. She has to let it set for a few minutes.

In her bedroom, looking for her snappiest romance and goriest horror movies her cell chimes the tone for Tom. She answers right when it's about to go to voicemail.

"What?" She asked, trying to keep the venom out her voice.

"I just wanted you to know I'd be late coming home."

"Really? Who is it tonight?"

Tom didn't speak for a while and Kate let the silence drag out. "I'm so sorry Kate." "You keep saying that."

"I was drunk and upset. I'm not asking you to not be mad I'm asking if there's a chance you'll forgive me."

"You cheated Tom. I don't know if I can forgive you."

He sighed loudly in her ear. "Okay. Well I'm at a bank robbery site. Might be all night so don't wait up."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

_Please stay safe. I can't keep losing people._

"Okay."

"Look Tom I'm sorry for earlier."

"No no. I deserved it. I was being an asshole. I had no right to call you a bitch."

"Okay. I'll see you later...I guess."

"Goodnight Kate. Stay inside. I love you. I really do."

Kate just hung up the phone.

* * *

After completely ditching The Notebook, because Lizzie couldn't stop crying, they went on a Jon Woo marathon, but are now currently cuddled up next to each other on the couch. Ice cream forgotten.

"Kate?" Lizzie spoke.

"Yeah?"

"Who was that guy the other night? The one who called out to you."

"Oh uh. A old high school friend. We parted ways after he graduated."

"Oh that's neat. What're the odds of you two finding each other again."

"One," Kate said with a sigh. "In a million."

"What's that sigh for?" Lizzie sat up from Kate's shoulder. "Something didn't happen between you and Mr. Mysterious Man did it?"

Kate hesitated to answer.

"Oh I knew it! Tell me tell me tell me! All the juicy details."

"There isn't really much to tell."

"Oh come on? Why'd you give him the cold shoulder then?"

"Shouldn't we be talking about you and Stephen?"

"What the hell about him?" Lizzie slouched back on the couch and rolled her feet under her legs.

Conflict successfully avoid.

"What're you going to do for one? You guys can't just break up."

"Why not? I caught him cheating!"

"You guys have been best friends since birth. This relationship is worth fighting for. You cannot throw all these years away."

"So if Tom cheated on you, you'd 'work it out?'"

Kate hesitated to answer again this time taking longer.

"Kate?" Lizzie warned. "No! No no no!"

Kate just puffed out a breath of air and crossed her arms against her chest.

"What! Tom cheated on you?"

"About a week ago."

"What? Why?"

"He said he was drunk."

"Asshole."

"Yeah."

"Did you find out? Or did he tell you?"

"I found out at first. The woman was someone he worked with and she called the next night looking for him so she could return his wallet."

"Shit."

"I know. After that the next day I was gonna tell him to pack his stuff and get out but that's when he told me. That's the reason I haven't left."

"What's wrong with the men in this town?" Kate laughed.

"No idea." She thought of Rick and her father and wondered if it was something airborne.

"His name is Rick." At Lizzie's confused expression Kate continued. "The guy from the other night."

"Oh."

"I was in love with him when he left me one night. Out of the blue."

"Oh my goodness. I think we need more ice cream."

"Yeah. And call the girls. I'm in a sharing mood all of a sudden."

"That's the power of Elizabeth baby." Kate laughed and shook her head. It's going to be a long night.

* * *

She has no reason why it took her two hours to decide what to wear, another to flatten her hair, just that she knows she spent way too much time getting ready for her brunch with Rick.

Tom came home around three last night (this morning) and Kate pretended to be asleep. She wasn't in the mood to talk. All she wanted to do was think about Rick.

When Tom finally got settled in bed he gently kissed the back of her neck and whispered, "goodnight Katie. I love you, I'm sorry, and I'm not mad about Peanut. These things happen. But I hope one day we can try again. If you can ever forgive me."

* * *

Last night she didn't tell the girls the whole story about what happened between them her and Rick. But she did mention that they were going out today and Lanie mentioned in not so many words that'd she'll be spying on her. Lovely.

But it's not as if she's going to jump the man. Although he's still good looking...

No. No. She won't go there.

Kate texted him and told him to meet her at Cafe Amour Sur le But on the east side. He responded to give him twenty minutes.

Here goes nothing.


End file.
